


Intro to Neurochemical Compatibility

by Callioope



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Soulmate AU, takes place in season 4 i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callioope/pseuds/Callioope
Summary: When Greendale's chemistry department accidentally invents a compound that ostensibly forms soulmarks, the entire campus is roped into their experiment to figure out what it all means. Some students take to this more keenly than others. Some students protest the premise as a whole. And some students -- well, they prefer a strategy called avoidance.Note: this is formatted as a script using a work skin.
Relationships: Annie Edison/Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir/Britta Perry
Comments: 59
Kudos: 151





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Gosh, it's nervewracking writing a fic for a new fandom. This fic is supposed to be fun, in the vein of _Community_ of course, with maybe a little extra pinch of silly, because if you're going to be ridiculous you might as well commit, right?
> 
> I wrote this in script format because it was easier for my headspace at the time (I was going through some things and this was a very helpful distraction). I don't really know why I thought it'd be easier because it'd been years since I wrote something in this format, but hey, what's life if you don't experiment a little? By the time I decided to post it, I was too far committed to the format. SO!!! The absolutely amazing [Allatariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allatariel) helped me create a work skin. 
> 
> If you have work skins automatically turned off, please consider clicking that "Show Creator's Style" button up top; I think this work would be read more easily with that. That said, it should still work if you don't.
> 
> Special thanks to my most amazing and wonderful sister, who helped me plot this and beta'ed it. 
> 
> Also! This takes places during year 4, but with the caveat that things didn't exactly play out how season 4 did. Britta & Troy still broke up the same way, but they broke up sooner. That's the only major change that needs to be known, I think.
> 
> This is mostly finished, I'm just making tweaks and polishing the rest so it should update pretty quickly and regularly, hopefully every few days but that depends on when I can block time to tag each chapter for the script format.
> 
> Finally, the opinions about Soulmate AUs that are expressed in this work are representative of the character's and not necessarily mine. For the record, I adore Soulmate AUs. How is a character gonna react to that extra bit of information, however it's presented? What are they going to _do_ about it? Yeah, that's the stuff.
> 
> Anyways this is silly & I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading.

INT. CAFETERIA ENTRANCE - MONDAY MORNING

JEFF WINGER walks towards the cafeteria, so absorbed in sipping his coffee and texting that he misses the multitude of gaudy Valentine’s Day decorations, large banners advertising the upcoming “Greendale Annual Valentine’s Day Fling, Soulmate Edition,” and even a bright yellow notice reading “CHEMISTRY DEPT EXPERIMENT ONGOING” above the cafeteria entrance.

As he enters the cafeteria, a thick mist blasts down from the ceiling. He pauses, finally looking up from his phone, and scowls as he continues stalking forward. He’s annoyed, but not entirely phased. He settles in at a table with the rest of the group: ANNIE, SHIRLEY, PIERCE, TROY, ABED, and BRITTA.

JEFF

What’s with the faulty sprinkler system? Wait, why am I asking, it’s Greendale.

TROY

(muttering)

There are forces at work here you can’t even imagine.

PIERCE

He’s just worried it’ll mess up his hair.

BRITTA

No, he uses enough product his hair might as well be waterproof.

ABED

His hair does seem unaffected.

JEFF

I see everyone has a contribution, but no one has an answer.

ANNIE

(on the edge of her seat, like she’s been waiting to be called on)

The chemistry department created a spray that, when inhaled, bonds with the pheromones released at the sound of a compatible mate’s voice and causes biomolecular changes to the epidermis.

Jeff raises his eyebrows, stares at Annie for a moment, and then turns to the rest of the group expectantly.

ABED

(nodding)

They’re marketing it as Soulmate Spray. It’s a little too obvious if you ask me.

JEFF

Uh, none of this is obvious.

Abed shrugs.

JEFF

So is this supposed to be some kind of love potion?

ABED

No, a love potion makes you fall in love. This spray allegedly reveals who you’d be most compatible with. In their words, it reveals your soulmate. After you inhale the spray, the first words your soulmate says to you appear somewhere on your skin.

BRITTA

It’s ridiculous. The idea there’s just ONE person for everyone is a fabrication by the holiday card industry to coerce us into buying into antiquated ideas about—

Jeff rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee, trying to tune Britta out. But as he lifts his left arm, he sees words appearing there, letter by purple letter, as if some invisible force were writing on his skin. Hastily, before he can even read what the words say, he slides down both sleeves and glances around the table. No one appears to have noticed.

SHIRLEY

For once I agree with Britta.

Everyone looks at Shirley in surprise.

SHIRLEY

It’s not right for these scientists to meddle in affairs of the heart or the will of God.

General unsurprised grumbling and eye-rolling commences. Vague phrases like “and there it is” and “she’s one to talk about meddling” can be heard in the general din.

ANNIE

Well, I think it’s neat! It’s not really _meddling_ , it's revealing a connection that’s already there. It’s like a hint!

Jeff turns to Annie and opens his mouth with a quip, but stops himself at the last second, eying the purple writing peeking out of his cuff. Then he pointedly turns to Abed.

JEFF

(to Abed)

That sounds like cheating if you ask me.

ANNIE

(indignant huff)

As if cheating ever bothered you.

(to the rest of the group)

Just think how much time this would save! No more tedious dates! No wasted money at expensive restaurants or wasted time with the wrong person. Just words on your arm, like directions uniting two lonely souls!

BRITTA

(scoffing)

Directions! More like some contract binding you to a stranger forever.

TROY

Well it _would_ suck if your soulmate said something dumb and it got stuck on your skin forever.

JEFF

(glancing between Troy and Britta)

Wait, are you guys—?

BRITTA

Pssht. No!

ANNIE

Troy and Abed have each other’s soulmarks.

BRITTA

They spent thirty minutes outside the cafeteria deciding what to say to each other.

JEFF

(incredulous)

Wait, Troy and _Abed_?

(feigning casualness, while pulling at his own sleeve)

Can soulmates be just friends then?

Troy and Abed both scoff.

TROY

How dare you undermine the connection between us as _just_ friends!

ABED

(to Jeff)

Even if our connection was platonic, there's no reason to minimize friendship like that.

(to Troy)

It’s okay, Jeff is blind to romantic tension. It’s nothing to do with us.

TROY

(muttering)

Gonna be a rough time for his soulmate.

ANNIE

I think it was sweet how you chose your soulmarks! Of course, if two people are soulmates, whatever they say to each other will be something _meaningful_.

BRITTA

Oh please! It’s more likely to be some generic greeting like “Hello” or “How are you?”

ABED

That’s a fair point. Although most scripts do away with such pleasantries to cut to the chase.

JEFF

We’re not in a TV show, Abed!

ABED

Also a valid point.

JEFF

Thank you—wait, really?

ABED

This sort of thing isn’t a TV trope.

(cocking his head to the side)

I think we might be in a fic now.

JEFF

A what?

ABED

Fic. It’s short for fanfiction. It refers to stories written by fans, usually with a more romantic bent to it than what typically occurs in canon—that’s source material. It makes sense for Valentine’s Day. This must be what they call a Soulmate AU. This could be interesting. It’s highly likely that other members of our group could pair off with each other.

Abed looks around the group, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

BRITTA

Pfft, who would that even be?

ABED

(considering)

I’m less familiar with this genre. It’ll be harder to predict how this plays out.

(beat)

I’ll have to study this.

There’s an awkward pause.

JEFF

Wait, so _does_ anyone else have a ...

(can’t believe he’s saying this)

...”soulmark?”

Everyone looks around and shakes their heads, tense and silent. Jeff accidentally makes eye contact with Annie and they both quickly look away.

JEFF

Wait, no! We’re not going to suddenly fall in love with each other just because some chem students at _Greendale_ botched an experiment and are trying to pawn it off on the student body.

ABED

(exasperated)

It’s not a love potion. The feelings are already there, the soulmarks just reveal them.

JEFF

So you’re saying even though we’ve known each other for years, some Greendale chem students supposedly know better than us who we belong with?

BRITTA

Jeff gets it!

JEFF

I really don’t.

BRITTA

We don’t need the universe or dumb chem students to tell us who to love! We choose that ourselves.

ABED

(sighing)

(to Troy)

Where am I losing them?

TROY

It’s not choosing _for_ you. It’s _telling_ you who you choose.

BRITTA

And _where’s_ the choice in that?

Troy shrugs and shakes his head at Abed in defeat.

ANNIE

Don’t think of it as soulmates or being “chained together.” Think of it as sharing neurochemical compatibility. When a person you care deeply for speaks to you, your body releases hormones. The chem department just found a way to siphon those hormones into a

(shrugging)

... naturally occurring tattoo?

Again, Jeff opens his mouth to respond to Annie, but glances back down at his own arm. He hesitates, then turns to Abed.

JEFF

Could a person have more than one soulmate?

ANNIE

Tch! That’s not what soulmate means!

BRITTA

I thought you said it was about _neurochemical compatibility_ , not _soulmates_ _._

Annie opens her mouth to argue, but with no comeback at the ready, just frowns.

ABED

Jeff poses a good question. That’s probably what the chem department is testing.

JEFF

Testing?

ABED

This whole thing is an experiment. Like you asked, could a person have more than one soulmate? Could soulmates be platonic? Could they—

JEFF

Hold on. No. They can't use us as test subjects.

(standing up)

I’m going to see the Dean about this!

DEAN PELTON

(appearing from out of nowhere)

Jeffrey! I knew you’d come looking for me!

Jeff opens his mouth to speak. Dean Pelton watches him expectantly, hungry for his words, his eyes occasionally glancing towards his own bare arms. For just a second, a look of horror comes over Jeff’s face, then he realizes: there’s no way he's the dean’s soulmate. He shakes his head.

JEFF

You can’t use the student body as guinea pigs!

DEAN PELTON

Well, that’s not what I was hoping for, but it’ll have to do.

(scanning his arms as he talks)

And yes, we can. We’ve been over this before, Jeffrey. You signed a waiver on the back of your registration form that you were willing to participate in a certain classification of experiments for student body research purposes. This falls under such a classification.

(admonishing)

As a lawyer, you really should be more careful about what you sign.

JEFF

(frustrated)

As a lawyer, I should audit your registration form.

ANNIE

Did you have something you wanted to tell us, Dean?

DEAN PELTON

Oh yes, thank you Annie! I wanted to let you know this Friday we’ll be throwing the Greendale Annual Valentine’s Day Fling, Soulmate Edition!

BRITTA

(skeptically)

Soulmate Edition?

DEAN PELTON

We’re permitting entrance _only_ to couples with soulmarks!

JEFF

So if we never find our soulmate, we can’t go? Challenge accepted.

DEAN PELTON

Now wait—

BRITTA

You know, Valentine’s Day is bad enough as a holiday fabricated by the card industry...

Everyone else groans in unison.

BRITTA

...but to force this ridiculous _soulmate_ concept on everyone? That's crossing a line.

(turning to the group)

We should protest.

JEFF

_That’s_ crossing a line. Why can’t we just _not go_.

BRITTA

(ignoring Jeff)

You mark my words, the student body will have something to say about this!

The dean doesn’t respond; he’s too busy searching for a soulmark.

BRITTA

What do you think of _that_ , Dean?

DEAN PELTON

(upset by the absence of a soulmark)

That’s nice—excuse me—

(runs off towards the bathroom)

JEFF

(watching him flee)

I’m going to have to be more careful who I talk to, aren’t I?

INT. CAMPUS HALLWAY - TUESDAY

Annie and Britta walk through the halls towards the cafeteria.

BRITTA

Honestly, you’re better off without a mark. Would you want to end up like them?

Britta gestures to a couple squealing and cooing over their soulmarks. As they watch, Dean Pelton abruptly appears, seemingly from nowhere, along with a three-person band that bursts into joyful, romantic music. He hands them each a shiny red ticket to the Valentine’s Day Dance and two balloons.

At the same time:

BRITTA

Gross!

ANNIE

Aww...

BRITTA

Seriously? Okay, bad example. But you wouldn't want to end up like _them._

She points to another group, also sharing soulmarks, their faces almost obscured by all the balloons they’re holding. At first, this seems like innocent sharing between friends.

CALLIE

Omigod, Tamari, you have _the_ most romantic mark on campus!

TAMARI

(feigning modesty)

Oh, it’s not a competition.

CALLIE

Uh, yeah, it is. The Dean said there’s going to be a vote for Soulmark Queen and King at the dance.

Britta mimes vomiting.

ANNIE

(really reaching here)

Well, that’s not so different from prom king and queen?

Britta rolls her eyes, and in doing so catches sight of a couple deep in argument.

BRITTA

(pointing)

Ooh, ooh, how about _them_!

ANDREA

Just because we don’t have soulmarks doesn’t mean I don’t love you—

DREW

Didn’t you read the email? That’s _exactly_ what it means!

Annie sighs sadly.

BRITTA

Anyways, think of the _actual_ heartbreak you're avoiding!

Then they pass Shirley on the phone and try to wave hello.

SHIRLEY

Andre? Hi honey! I forgot my ... uh ... history textbook! ... on the counter, and I need it for class today. Do you think you could bring it to campus for me? ... Well it could affect my grade ... I don’t have time before my next class. ... Thanks, sweetie! Meet me in the cafeteria. No, no, I can’t go to that side of campus—my class is by the cafeteria—it’s too far of a walk...

They back off.

BRITTA

Look at what this soulmark thing is doing to campus! And it’s only Tuesday!

They reach the main entrance to the cafeteria and halt in their tracks as they see a large, tacky sign that reads “Is yours the next great love story?”

Below the sign sit Troy and Abed, talking animatedly to an eager, invested couple.

Troy notices Britta and Annie and shoves a pamphlet towards the couple.

ABED

If you have any questions, you can call our hotline. The number’s in the pamphlet.

TROY

(ushering them away)

Remember the lines we gave you! Make your soulmark count!

ABED

But also they help identify which trope you're acting out.

Troy and Abed wave them off towards the cafeteria.

BRITTA

(horrified)

What is going on here?

ABED

Oh, hey Annie. Hey Britta.

BRITTA

Don't “hey Britta” me!

ABED

I think we’re past the point of that becoming your soulmark, if that’s what you’re worried about.

TROY

Yeah, you already talked to Abed yesterday. So your mark will be something else.

BRITTA

That’s not what I’m mad about!

(perplexed)

Also I don’t have a mark!

ANNIE

(dejected)

Join the club.

BRITTA

(deep breath)

Dare I ask—what are you two up to?

TROY

There were too many tropes.

ABED

We had to branch out. Outsource.

BRITTA

I’m sorry, what “tropes?”

TROY

Well, bedsharing is pretty fun, and then there’s...

(thinking hard, like he’s trying to remember)

huddling for warmth... mutual pining... slow burn... hurt/comfort—

ANNIE

(to a confused Britta)

I think it’s the fanfiction thing?

TROY

(ticking them off on his fingers)

—amnesia, accidental marriage, fake dating, rescue mission, undercover, teamwork—

ABED

Obviously Jeff and Annie usually have that one locked up.

ANNIE

(nervous laughter)

Whaaat...

ABED

But of course Jeff has been MIA since lunch yesterday.

TROY

Oh, coffee shop AU! And flower shop AU...

Britta turns to Annie as Troy goes on to start listing AUs in the background, looking to Abed for encouragement.

BRITTA

You see? The entire campus is officially nuts!

ANNIE

Abed’s right, actually, we haven’t seen or heard from Jeff since yesterday. Do you think he’s okay?

BRITTA

(scoffing)

He’s obviously hiding from the nonexistent women he thinks will bear his soulmark. Because of his deep-seated fear of commitment since his dad left him.

ANNIE

Wouldn’t that be a fear of abandonment?

BRITTA

(dismissive)

All the same thing for him.

ANNIE

(getting out her phone)

We should probably check up on him.

TROY

(taking a deep breath)

Aaand then there’s bodyswap...

ABED

Oh, we did that one, too. Remember?

BRITTA

I try not to.

TROY

Enemies to lovers, _friends_ to lovers, rivals to friends to lovers.

BRITTA

Why are they still going?

ANNIE

Jeff would have put a stop to them by now.

Britta considers this—that’s actually probably true.

ABED

He’s almost done. You have to let him go through the whole list once he gets started. He’s memorized it for the spiel.

TROY

Five plus one, and epis—epic—epiclarry—

ANNIE

Epistolary?

TROY

That one!

BRITTA

How did you know that?

ANNIE

(shrugging)

It’s a common literary device...

ABED

She and Jeff did it during The Pillows and Blankets War. Troy, mark that off the list.

ANNIE

What, we didn’t write letters—

ABED

The texting was a stand-in for it. Close enough.

TROY

Wait, does this mean you and I can check off enemies to lovers?

(reviving a standing argument)

And I still think we should get to test “drift compatible” ourselves!

BRITTA

You still haven’t told us what you’re doing.

ABED

Turns out there are a lot of fanfiction tropes that viewers are dying to see put to film. I’m trying to distill the top five to use in my next project. It’ll be good to round out my portfolio. Every great movie has some element of love story.

BRITTA

And what does that have to do with...

(gestures to the booth)

...this?

ABED

You heard the list. There’s too many tropes. Too many for us to act out ourselves. So we’re looking for volunteers. In exchange for their help, we’re offering a short video documenting their love stories.

BRITTA

(sighing)

I suppose it could be worse.

ANNIE

(clutching Britta’s arm)

Oh my god is that Pierce?!

They all turn to see Pierce approaching, his arms covered in what appear to be soulmarks.

ANNIE

(on the verge of tears)

Even _Pierce_ has soulmarks!

TROY

(sighing)

Just wait for it.

PIERCE

Hey kids! Impressed by how loved I am? Jealous yet?

BRITTA

Pierce!

PIERCE

What?

ABED

You’re upsetting Annie. She doesn’t have any marks yet.

BRITTA

Which is a good thing! You don’t need to be tied down to anyone!

Troy sighs in frustration.

PIERCE

Oh, Annie, they’re not real! Look.

Pierce pulls out a marker and starts drawing on his arm.

PIERCE

See? I can draw one for you. Fifteen bucks a pop.

Annie can’t hold back the tears anymore. She darts away, presumably towards the bathroom, and collides with a tall figure rounding the corner: it’s a person wearing a teddy bear costume and carrying a large sign advertising the dance. Muttering a distracted apology, she continues fleeing. The teddy bear mascot watches her for a beat, and then visibly deflates.

PIERCE

(yelling after her)

I can give you a discount!

BRITTA

Pierce! You can’t charge people for fake soulmarks!

PIERCE

Can and have.

BRITTA

That’s exploiting people!

PIERCE

Don’t hate the seller, hate the market.

Britta is furious. She’s had enough.

BRITTA

I’ve gotta put a stop to this once and for all!

She storms off.

Troy starts to go after her, but Abed holds out a hand to stop him.

ABED

Let her go.

TROY

But she’s our—

ABED

She has to discover it on her own.


	2. Act 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading!

INT. CAFETERIA - WEDNESDAY

Troy and Abed sit on one side of a booth, a camera between them pointed towards Vicki and Neil, seated at the other side of the table. While Abed conducts the interview, Troy gazes across the cafeteria, emanating an aura of disinterest.

Their table is situated in a dense sea of Soulmark Balloons, although more are scattered throughout the cafeteria.

ABED

State your trope.

VICKI

“Established Relationship.”

ABED

Cut. That’s not on the list.

VICKI

Well, that’s our trope.

ABED

But it’s not on the list.

VICKI

Well maybe you should add it.

NEIL

It is a pretty common trope in fanfiction.

Abed shuffles his papers, then shakes his head.

ABED

No, it’s not included in any of the top ten lists or the statistical analysis I found. People aren’t interested in that trope.

VICKI

Yes, they are. A lot of people prefer established relationships.

TROY

(muttering)

If that were true, Abed and I would show a lot more PDA.

NEIL

Wait, you two are dating?

ABED

Are we?

VICKI

...we asked you.

ABED

We prefer to cultivate the “will they, won’t they” vibe.

(frowning)

Although Jeff and Annie always seem to overshadow us.

NEIL

Yeah, what _is_ their deal?

VICKI

The chess club has a pool going.

TROY

(sighing & pulling out a piece of paper)

Jeff and Annie get _another trope_? They already had “unresolved sexual tension” and “height difference.”

(marks something on the paper)

Ooh, they just made bingo.

VICKI

Wait a minute, “betting pool” is on your list but “established relationship” isn’t?

NEIL

That’s already way overused in film. Why are you even testing that?

ABED

I go where the data takes me.

VICKI

You still didn’t answer the question. Are they together?

Troy and Abed sigh in unison.

ABED

I have no evidence to indicate that they are.

NEIL

But you’d know if they were soulmates by now, right?

TROY

(pointedly glancing at Abed)

We’re not going to gossip about our friends with you.

VICKI

I heard Annie talking to Shirley in the bathroom this morning.

(pityingly)

Still no soulmark.

NEIL

And I heard no one’s seen Jeff outside his classes. It’s like he leaves the classroom and vanishes.

TROY

Okay, I am a little worried about Jeff.

(to the empty space around them)

Jeff Winger, if you’re out there, you can stop hiding!

DEAN PELTON

Did someone say Jeff Winger?

TROY

And I summoned the wrong person.

VICKI

We’re in the middle of an interview, Dean Pelton.

ABED

No, I said cut. We can start over later.

(to the dean)

How can we help?

Vicki scoffs.

DEAN PELTON

Well, _apparently_ , students are so excited for the Valentine’s Dance that they’ve been faking their soulmarks! Can you believe it? I can! This party is going to be the best dance yet. This will finally put Greendale on the map! And then we’ll see what Dean Spreck—I mean, City College, thinks of us now!

TROY

You think it’s the party and not the whole soulmark thing?

DEAN PELTON

Well, we’ll see. Bare your marks!

Because it’s Greendale, they begrudgingly do. Troy and Abed hold out their hands; Neil and Vicki roll up their sleeves and reveal marks on mirroring shoulders. The dean pulls out a wipe from a box labeled HAWTHORNE WIPES and wipes their marks: they all pass.

The dean moves on to the next table and goes through a similar spiel.

TROY

Do you think maybe this is going too far?

A commotion at the next table draws their attention; the dean has discovered a fake mark. The culprit, JACEN, stands up dramatically and flees the scene.

TROY

It’s only Wednesday.

INT. HALL OUTSIDE CAFETERIA

Britta lugs a large box, a sign on a stick, and a megaphone. Jacen bumps into her, knocking the box out of her hands.

In the background, the teddy bear mascot from the previous day lazily holds a sign advertising the Valentine’s Day dance while also scrolling through their cell phone.

JACEN

(muttering to Britta)

Sorry...

He doesn’t stop to help. Instead, he’s distracted by Pierce, lurking nearby wearing a trench coat. Pierce beckons Jacen over.

PIERCE

Psst! Yeah, you! I saw what just went down in there. Your problem was your marker. You need one that won’t wash off. I could help you out...

Pierce opens his trench coat to reveal a sign that says GENUINE FAKE SOULMARKS and an array of colored markers.

Britta struggles to gather up her belongings and scoffs at Pierce.

BRITTA

(to Jacen)

It’s a scam. Don’t waste your money! You don’t need a soulmark—I have something better that’s _free_!

JACEN

(contemplative)

But if it’s free, is it really _worth_ anything?

PIERCE

(grinning like a wolf)

Now there’s a smart shopper. Let me tell you about my two for one deal...

Sighing, Britta continues into the cafeteria.

INT. CAFETERIA

Troy and Abed have resumed their interview—or are trying to.

ABED

We’ve been over this. You can’t pick “Established Relationship.” Pick something else from the list.

VICKI

But this is the best trope for us!

ABED

Alright, I’ll indulge you. You have sixty seconds. Pitch your trope.

NEIL

We can communicate without talking—that’s a hugely popular fic trope, best executed with established relationships.

ABED

Debatable.

Troy clears his throat and nods his head towards the entrance, where Britta enters lugging her supplies. Abed gives a slight nod, and Troy slips away and heads towards Britta.

VICKI

You might recall the yam incident? We’ll go to any lengths to help each other.

In the background, Troy takes the box from Britta. He looks inside and frowns dubiously, but Britta says something and he smiles in hesitant encouragement.

NEIL

Yeah, we support each other no matter what.

Troy takes Britta’s hand and helps her climb onto one of the tables. He continues to spot her as she situates herself and pulls out her megaphone.

Vicki continues, unaware.

VICKI

We always listen to each other. No contrived misconceptions that only serve to draw out a convoluted plot —how refreshing would _that_ be in film?

BRITTA

Students, faculty, and staff of Greendale!

Abed glances over at Britta.

BRITTA

Look around you! The administration wants you to think of these soulmarks as a representation of love! But they have done nothing but drive us apart!

Abed looks back at Vicki and Neil.

ABED

And cut.

INT. WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM - THURSDAY

Shirley and Annie stand by as Britta changes out of her clothes. As she does, Annie lifts bulky brown fabric from out of a brown paper bag: a cutesy puppy costume, reminiscent of the teddy bear costume that has been advertising the Valentine’s Day dance.

BRITTA

(wrinkling her nose)

This is the most humiliating thing I have ever done.

SHIRLEY

(judgmental)

Is it, Britta?

BRITTA

Hey, I can accept the fact that some people are afraid to listen to the truths I try to explain to them—

ANNIE

I’m not sure that’s why they were booing...

BRITTA

—but that’s why I brought the pamphlets.

SHIRLEY

I never said it was your speech...

Britta squints at Shirley.

ANNIE

Anyways! It could be worse. Imagine if your speech had actually motivated people! You could have stirred up some real unrest, instead of just a mess of paper airplanes. By the way, what kind of cardstock did you use for those pamphlets? They flew _really_ well and I have a physics—

(pausing at Britta’s expression)

You know what, not the time or place.

BRITTA

Actually... I think the pamphlets sort of worked?

ANNIE

What! How?! I mean—um, of course they did. They were very... thorough. But, uh... how?

BRITTA

The dean made a deal. He said if I advertised his stupid dance, he’d open it up to everyone. How could I say no to that? And at least the costume hides my face. No one will know it's me.

Shirley hums. Annie holds up the puppy costume while Britta steps into it.

ANNIE

What do you think convinced him?

BRITTA

Well, I don’t know. He may have muttered something about expenses versus profits and “in the red...” but that also could have been referring to his outfit for the dance, so, hard to say. I wasn’t going to bite the gift horse.

ANNIE

(puzzled)

Your pamphlet described the financial pitfalls of making a high-budget event exclusive?

Shirley gives Annie a look and mouths “let her have this.”

BRITTA

Pfft. No. As if I would stoop to motivating people based on _capitalistic notions_ when we should be compelled by—wait a minute, why are you asking that? You did read my pamphlet, didn’t you?

Annie and Shirley look at each other guiltily.

BRITTA

(glancing between them)

Oh come on! You didn’t even read it? You, Annie?

ANNIE

I did read a little bit, really! It’s just... I’m not sure the paragraph about the harmful impact of balloons on the environment was entirely relevant to your thesis...

BRITTA

What are you, my professor?

(sighing)

Alright, I guess that did distract from my point a little.

ANNIE

What exactly were you trying to accomplish?

BRITTA

I don’t know! Everyone was being all competitive and exclusive. These soulmarks are really bringing out the worst in everyone. I just wanted to help the community remember the true spirit of love?

SHIRLEY

Oh, Britta, that’s very sweet. But this is Greendale.

ANNIE

(ruefully; zipping up the costume)

Yeah, they’re only motivated by priority registration, cash prizes, and—

(scandalized gasp)

Britta!

BRITTA

What?

ANNIE

(accusatory)

You too?!

BRITTA

What? What’d I do?!

Shirley comes around to look at what Annie sees.

SHIRLEY

Oh dear. Britta, did you know you have two soulmarks?

ANNIE

There’s TWO?!

BRITTA

Okay, very funny. Very funny prank.

SHIRLEY

We’re not pranking you.

Holding the front of the costume to her, Britta awkwardly walks around the bench towards a set of mirrors and tries to look in the mirror. It’s hard for her to see, but sure enough, there are two tiny lines of text curling around the edge of her shoulder blades.

BRITTA

Oh my god! No no no. This can’t be happening.

SHIRLEY

I don’t think your followers will be too happy now. If you actually have any.

BRITTA

This! This is the most humiliating thing to happen to me!

ANNIE

Oh, really? The most humiliating thing?!

SHIRLEY

Annie...

ANNIE

No! No! There are seven point two billion people in this world, and most of them walk around just hoping for that special connection with just _one_ other person! And they never find them!

BRITTA

Annie—

People are starting to stare.

ANNIE

And you! Britta Perry! You have two people that are special to you! Two people that probably love you back! And you’re just going to forsake that because—because—because you want to prove a point? You want to know what’s more humiliating than two soulmarks? _Zero soulmarks_! I don’t have anyone! I’ve been alone all my life and I still am!

Annie collapses in a crying heap on the bench. Britta stares, overwhelmed, while Shirley swoops in with a comforting hug.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Annie, you’re not alone. You have us. And just because you haven’t met your soulmate yet, doesn’t mean you don't have one.

ANNIE

(muffled through her hands)

That’s easy for you to say. You already found yours.

Shirley frowns and hesitates.

SHIRLEY

Actually, Andre’s not my soulmate.

Annie and Britta both look up in surprise.

SHIRLEY

You know, we hit a rough patch, and he’s been staying with his mom. Well, I lured him to the cafeteria on Tuesday, but neither of us got the marks.

ANNIE

Oh, Shirley...

SHIRLEY

I mean, I’m in my forties. I have three kids with a man, and I’m told he’s not my soulmate. It was devastating. But you know, I think Britta’s right. It’s just an experiment run by the Greendale chemistry department. It only means as much as you let it mean. My life isn’t any less full just because I don’t have a mark. I still have Andre, and my kids, and all of you.

ANNIE

(sniffing)

Thanks, Shirley.

BRITTA

Think of it this way. It just means your soulmate isn’t attending _Greendale_. That’s a good thing, if you think about it.

ANNIE

Yeah. I guess.

(she gives a half smile to Britta)

But yours probably do.

BRITTA

Ugh, don’t remind me.

ANNIE

Don’t you want to know who it is? It could be someone from the study group!

Britta’s eyes go wide.

BRITTA

I don’t know...

ANNIE

Come on, let’s see.

Annie goes around and reads Britta’s soulmarks.

ANNIE

“Wait, Britta! You haven’t picked a soulmark yet!”

SHIRLEY

Well that’s a strange one.

ANNIE

(gasping)

I heard that—it was outside the cafeteria on Monday! It was Troy!

SHIRLEY

But Troy broke up with you!

Britta slumps onto the bench where Annie was sitting.

BRITTA

Well thanks for that reminder. You see? This whole soulmark thing is just a recipe for heartbreak.

ANNIE

But he’s been really sweet lately, hasn’t he? He helped hand out pamphlets and then smuggled you out of the cafeteria when everyone started throwing the paper airplanes at you...

BRITTA

(rolling her eyes)

Hardly romantic. Troy was being a good friend.

(sighing)

What’s the other one say?

Shirley is closer now, so she reads the second mark.

SHIRLEY

“When it’s right, it’s right.” I’m sorry, Britta, but your soulmarks are strange.

ANNIE

(worriedly)

Does that sound... like anyone in the group? Do you think?

Britta just frowns in confusion.

ANNIE

It’s Jeff, isn’t it?

Now Britta frowns in disgust.

BRITTA

God, no. Ugh!

ANNIE

But you dated him, and you dated Troy, it just makes sense doesn’t it?

BRITTA

It would be very generous to call what Jeff and I did “dating.”

SHIRLEY

(bearing the same judgmental look from earlier)

Mhm.

ANNIE

Well if it’s not Jeff, who is it?

BRITTA

I think... maybe... I should talk to him first.

Annie nods reluctantly.

BRITTA

I guess I’ll call him when I’m done with this.

Annie gets an idea.

ANNIE

Wait! You don’t have to do this!

BRITTA

What, do you think I should just pretend I don’t know?

ANNIE

No, not that. You should definitely talk to your soulmate. I meant you don’t have to do the costume thing.

BRITTA

But the dean won’t open up the dance if I don’t.

ANNIE

I’ll do it!

Britta raises an eyebrow.

ANNIE

We’re like practically the same height, when you’re not wearing heels. And I don’t mind so much, you know? It’ll be nice to just... not have to be No-Soulmark-Annie for a little bit.

(chuckling self-consciously)

And hey, maybe my soulmate has been avoiding me, and I’ll finally run into them...

BRITTA

Annie, do you really want a soulmate who’s been avoiding you all week?

Annie looks away and shrugs.

BRITTA

(sighing)

Fine. If it makes you happy.

Annie grins.

INT. STUDENT LOUNGE - THURSDAY

Britta enters the student lounge cautiously. She’s now wearing Annie’s outfit from earlier and her Mia Wallace wig, which she adjusts as she peers around.

Close to the door, the teddy bear mascot scrolls through their phone and idly waves the Valentine’s Day dance sign. A group of students chat on one of the couches in the middle of the room. At the far end, Abed has commandeered another couch and created a small set for interviews, although no one else is currently seated there.

Satisfied, Britta enters the lounge and makes her way towards Abed. After she passes, the teddy bear mascot finally glances up from their phone, sees disguised Britta, and immediately relocates to the far end of the cafeteria.

Abed hunches over his laptop, headphones on, and appears to be editing footage of Vicki and Neil’s interview, the part with Britta in the background.

BRITTA

Hey, Abed.

Abed startles as her shadow falls over him. He pulls off his head phones, but doesn’t look away from his work.

ABED

Sorry, Annie. You snuck up on me.

BRITTA

It’s Britta. And I’m not usually able to do that.

Abed looks up at Britta in surprise, then confusion. However, he turns back to his laptop and starts closing programs.

ABED

It must be the flats. They give Annie plus three to stealth.

Britta settles down into the chair next to him and removes Annie’s shoes.

BRITTA

(rubbing her feet)

They give me plus three to _ow_. Her feet are smaller than mine.

ABED

You know, during first year, I would have had an explanation for this...

(gestures to Britta’s disguise)

...but I seem to be losing my touch these days.

(tilting his head)

I may need to recalibrate the dreamatorium.

BRITTA

(sighing)

I’m supposed to be advertising that dance with another one of those creepy costumes...

(points to teddy bear mascot across the room)

...as part of my punishment for the whole dance protest thing. But, uh, Annie offered to switch places.

ABED

(nodding)

Ah, okay, that makes sense now.

BRITTA

It does?

ABED

Sure. Annie’s hoping she can sleuth out her soulmate by going undercover. I assume you’re hiding from the dean.

Britta shrugs and nods, then points to his laptop.

BRITTA

Did you get what you need?

ABED

(sighing, closing his laptop)

I think I’m going about this the wrong way.

BRITTA

I’m still not sure what you were trying to do in the first place.

Abed starts packing up his things.

ABED

I was hoping the fanfiction tropes would provide an insight into the pairings for this fic.

BRITTA

(wearily)

Abed...

ABED

I know—we’ve been over this. I know we’re not really in a fic—or a movie or a TV show.

BRITTA

Oh, no, that’s not what I—I know contextualizing your life that way helps you make sense of it.

Abed pauses and smiles slightly at her.

ABED

Then what were you...

(eyes widening with realization)

Oh.

BRITTA

Yeah. Pretty big plot twist, huh?

ABED

It’s less of a plot twist from this end and more a case of dramatic irony.

BRITTA

So you did see this coming?

Abed goes back to packing up the equipment.

ABED

No, but Troy and I both noticed our marks for you right away. We’ve known all week.

BRITTA

Why didn’t you say anything?

ABED

I thought it made more sense to let you handle it on your own, first. Considering your opposition to marks, in general. Troy didn’t agree.

(fidgeting with the latch on his equipment case)

In hindsight, maybe I was the one that needed to process it on my own.

BRITTA

Sorry. I guess I somehow managed to Britta your whole soulmate thing with Troy.

ABED

That wasn’t it. We always have fun hanging out with you. Troy’s actually pretty relieved. He felt really bad about your break up last year. He thought he had to choose between us. Well, it would be better if he told you.

(sighing)

I just didn’t see this coming. And maybe I should have.

BRITTA

That’s the thing with plot twists. You don’t see them coming.

ABED

No, the best plot twists are telegraphed—it’s just subtle enough to not notice the first time around.

BRITTA

We have been spending a lot of time together, I guess. With the therapy sessions.

Britta and Abed are quiet for a beat.

ABED

I think I understand why you were so opposed to this.

BRITTA

(surprised, maybe even a little hurt)

You do?

ABED

When this week started, I thought, “I don’t need a soulmark to know I love Troy, but it’s nice to have.” It’s a physical representation of how we feel about each other.

BRITTA

That sounds kind of like a wedding ring.

Abed points at her.

ABED

Right. Which sounds like commitment, especially if you go with the soulmate angle the dean is pushing.

BRITTA

It feels like the universe is making a choice for you.

ABED

(nodding)

So I’ve been reading some soulmate fic to try to understand how it works. There seem to be two fields of thought. Some people don’t like the trope or try to subvert the trope by chafing against what they see as the boundaries of destiny. Characters might purposefully choose someone other than their soulmate, or else the mechanism of the soulmark is changed entirely, where marks can fade and new ones can appear. Other people see it more like... what did Annie say the other day?

BRITTA

Something like, “directions uniting two lonely souls.”

ABED

Right. Some people, people like Jeff, might need a little extra signage to push them towards what they're denying themselves.

BRITTA

Are you saying I'm like Jeff?

ABED

I’m saying we both are.

They both consider this horrifying revelation.

ABED

I generally consider myself reasonably self aware. But I never predicted a romantic relationship between us. Not because I don’t like you. It just... never shook out with everything else going on.

BRITTA

Do you... do you think it could just be a platonic thing?

ABED

If that’s what you prefer.

BRITTA

Abed, your feelings don’t need to be built around what you think other people think.

(earnest)

What would you prefer?

ABED

“Falling for the therapist” isn’t a popular trope. Actually, it’s hardly a trope at all, and when it does show up, it’s usually reserved for antagonists.

BRITTA

Well, Jeff likes to remind me that I’m not really a therapist.

ABED

He shouldn’t say those things.

BRITTA

(sighing)

He’s probably just worried that I’m going to mess up therapizing you. And he doesn’t want to see you get hurt.

ABED

I know. I still don’t like it when the things he says hurt you.

(beat)

Anyways, I was trying to find a better trope for us. That’s what Troy and I have been doing all week. That’s the point of our research.

BRITTA

Maybe there isn’t a trope for us yet. Maybe we get to make our own trope.

ABED

That’s not really how tropes work.

BRITTA

Sure it is. Isn’t that part of the showbiz? New takes and all that? You can be your own transformative work.

ABED

(intrigued)

We make it up as we go. You and me.

BRITTA

And Troy.

ABED

(nodding)

I’d like that.

They smile at each other. Abed has finished packing everything up. His smile falters.

ABED

Don’t take this the wrong way, but we probably need to stop the therapy sessions.

BRITTA

Oh, yeah, definitely. That’d be weird now.

(awkward pause)

So... do you need any help here?

ABED

I need to return this to the A/V department.

Abed has finished packing everything up by this point. Britta nods and picks up a case. They start walking across the cafeteria.

BRITTA

You know, speaking of Jeff, do you have any idea what he’s been up to?

ABED

I assume he’s laying low until this soulmate stuff blows over.

BRITTA

Well, sure, but why would he hide from _us_?

(gasping)

You think he already has a soulmark?

ABED

His questions on Monday seemed pretty specific. And I noticed he came in with his sleeves rolled up, but at some point in the conversation, he rolled them down.

BRITTA

Then one of us is his soulmate!

ABED

I told you all there was a high chance we’d all be paired up together. And Jeff and Annie did make bingo on Troy's trope grid.

BRITTA

Of course it’s Annie!

(eyes widening)

Oh my god, she is so upset right now! I am going to _kill_ Jeff!

ABED

I don’t think that's likely to make her feel better.

BRITTA

You’d think it’d be difficult for someone as tall as Jeff to stay hidden.

As she says this, they pass the teddy bear mascot, who is once again deeply enthralled with their phone.

ABED

Troy thinks he’s using secret passages. We’ve been trying to get our hands on floorplans.

BRITTA

Could be the vents.

ABED

Seems unlikely after the monkey gas fiasco.

About ten steps past the teddy bear mascot, they both pause and turn to look back.

BRITTA

But he’s definitely the teddy bear right?

ABED

Totally.

As they turn around and exit the cafeteria, a person in a puppy costume—who we know to be Annie—approaches the teddy bear mascot.

ANNIE (PUPPY)

(shouting to be heard through the mask)

There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!

TEDDY BEAR

(slightly muffled)

Finally! I’ve been waiting forever!


	3. Chapter 3

INT. MEN’S LOCKER ROOM - FRIDAY

The teddy bear mascot removes his headpiece to reveal Jeff. Britta leaps out from behind a wall of lockers.

BRITTA

Aha!

JEFF

Damnit Britta—this is the _men’s_ locker room!

BRITTA

I knew I’d only find you hiding somewhere women couldn’t hunt you down.

JEFF

And yet, here you are.

Jeff looks at Britta expectantly, gesturing towards the door.

JEFF

(sighing)

Could you at least grant me the decency to turn around?

BRITTA

Oh please, like I haven’t already—

Jeff clears his throat.

BRITTA

(rolling her eyes)

Suddenly you’re so modest. What happened to the Jeff Winger who played pool naked?

Jeff changes out of the costume as the conversation continues.

JEFF

Getting in and out of this costume is a new level of degrading. I’m doing us both a favor.

BRITTA

And here I thought it was out of a newfound loyalty to your soulmate.

JEFF

Please. You know I don’t buy into this soulmate thing.

BRITTA

And yet you’re promoting this soulmate sham of a dance.

JEFF

I’m doing the dean a favor. He was _really_ upset we didn’t turn out to be soulmates.

BRITTA

Cut the crap, Jeff. I talked to Todd, so I know how much you paid him to take his place. Admit it. You’re afraid of love.

JEFF

Hey, you’re the one throwing around anti-soulmate pamphlet airplanes on Valentine’s Day.

BRITTA

We both know I’m not the one afraid of showing some vulnerability.

(gesturing vaguely behind her where she thinks Jeff is)

Case in point.

JEFF

I didn’t realize you were so eager for a look.

BRITTA

Trust me, I’m not.

(tilting her head)

But if you’re doing this to protect me—

JEFF

Already said I was protecting both of us, didn’t I? This costume is the stuff of real nightmares.

BRITTA

—you should know I was never actually in love with you.

JEFF

(sarcastically)

Okay, glad we sorted that out.

BRITTA

I was only in love with the idea of competition.

JEFF

Did you just psychoanalyze yourself?

BRITTA

Stop deflecting!

JEFF

(fully changed into his regular clothes)

I’m more than happy to end this conversation.

Jeff starts to leave.

BRITTA

You’re breaking her heart, you know.

Jeff pauses at the door.

BRITTA

Annie’s been looking for her soulmate _all week_. Shirley had to comfort her three different times. She thinks she’s doomed to be alone forever.

JEFF

(wincing)

Don’t know what that has to do with me.

BRITTA

Maybe the words on your arm can tell you.

Jeff whirls around and squints at her, suspicious. He’s wearing long sleeves.

BRITTA

Yeah that’s right. Abed isn’t the only one with observational skills around here. I’m pretty observant, too!

Jeff raises an eyebrow.

BRITTA

Okay, Abed noticed you rolling down your sleeves in the cafeteria on Monday, but _I_ noticed the purple handwriting on your arm just now—

JEFF

Knew you couldn’t keep your eyes off me.

BRITTA

(turning furious)

You literally have _Annie’s_ words written on your arm and you’re hitting on me?!

(turning away, exasperated)

I don’t know why I’m bothering. Annie’s better off alone than with you.

JEFF

(stepping forward, brandishing an accusing finger, equally outraged)

That’s exactly the problem!

(his own words surprise him)

Britta grins triumphantly.

JEFF

(rubbing the bridge of his nose)

Look, we both know I’m not boyfriend _or_ soulmate material, if that’s really what this is supposed to mean. But come on! This is _Greendale_. Do we really think our chem lab created this magical soulmate revealing potion? Tomorrow it’ll come out that they screwed up and it’s really some—some kind of—something else that doesn’t mean anything and—

BRITTA

This is how you won court cases?

JEFF

(defeated, collapsing onto the bench)

I can’t let Annie get stuck with me.

BRITTA

(sitting next to him, sighing)

I agree with you. Annie could do better.

JEFF

Gee, thanks, Doc.

BRITTA

I know this whole soulmate thing is a lot to take in. And the fact that Greendale students started it makes it hard to take seriously. But maybe...

(slight distracted smile)

...it’s worth exploring what it tells us.

(back to present)

And sure, it might blow over in a few days. But I don’t think this thing between you and Annie will. If you really care about her, like the words on your arm suggest, then I think it probably sucks to know she’s pretty hurt right now.

JEFF

(face in his hands)

Has she been crying?

BRITTA

I told you. Three times. Big scene in the women’s bathroom.

JEFF

(long exhale)

What am I supposed to say to her?

BRITTA

You usually think of something.

JEFF

Even if I acknowledge this soulmate thing, I don’t know if I can do the whole relationship thing.

BRITTA

That’s something you gotta work out with her.

JEFF

Oh, now you’re lacking in advice?

BRITTA

If you are her soulmate, she should understand you, right? Give her a chance.

JEFF

I don’t want to break her heart.

BRITTA

What you’re doing now already is. Go talk to her.

JEFF

(sighing)

But what am I supposed to _say_ to her first, if it’s going to be permanently tattooed on her arm?

BRITTA

(standing, smirking)

You are soulmates. So whatever you say will be _meaningful_.

INT. STUDY ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Jeff rushes into the study room. Sure enough, Annie is there—but so is everyone else, except Britta, all crowded around her. His face falls, guilty, and he steps forward.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Annie! I’m so happy for you!

Annie smiles. Jeff freezes.

JEFF

What’s going on?

SHIRLEY

(beaming)

Annie found her soulmate!

Jeff’s jaw drops. Annie’s smile falters when she sees Jeff.

JEFF

That’s—that’s great.

Abed watches Jeff intently.

TROY

Have you signed up for the chem lab interview yet? That queue can take hours.

ANNIE

I made an appointment yesterday, as soon as I noticed.

(glancing at her watch)

Actually, it’s almost time.

But Jeff is frowning in confusion. He never said anything to Annie all week.

PIERCE

So who’s the lucky guy? I’ll have to give him the shovel talk.

Jeff starts backing towards the door just as Britta enters.

BRITTA

What—

JEFF

(muttering so only Britta can hear)

Crisis averted. It’s not me after all.

BRITTA

What? Wait, Jeff—!

Annie looks away from Pierce at the sound of Jeff’s name. Concerned, she watches him go.

PIERCE

What’s his problem?

INT. CHEM LAB - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Jeff storms into the chem lab. His sleeves are rolled up for the first time since Monday, and his soulmark is very obvious: the entirety of his left forearm is covered in purple writing, the long explanation Annie originally gave regarding the chem department’s experiment.

A beleaguered chem student, PAUL, tries to stop him at the door, but Jeff pushes past him towards a second chem student, DIANE, sitting at a computer analyzing data.

DIANE

(not looking up)

There’s a waiting list in lab three.

JEFF

So what’s the verdict!

DIANE

(looking up, frowning)

Excuse me?

JEFF

The results of your experiment?

DIANE

I don’t understand what you’re asking.

JEFF

Can you explain why my—why one person’s soulmate can have a different soulmate?

DIANE

(sympathetic look)

Ah, another unrequited. Sir, we’re asking all subjects with soulmarks to wait in lab three for further testing. Or you can sign up for the queue and we’ll text you when we’re ready.

JEFF

Listen, the terms and conditions of this experiment are tenuous at best—so if you want to continue using the student body for answers without facing legal complications, the least you can do is provide answers of your own.

DIANE

Sir, if you go to lab three, we’d be more than happy to investigate your, uh, question more thoroughly.

JEFF

I’m not leaving without an answer.

The door opens again.

PAUL (O.S.)

Hi miss, may I have your name?

ANNIE (O.S.)

Annie Edison. I received a text that you were ready to see me.

Annie is directed to where Jeff and Diane are talking. At the sound of her voice, Jeff turns, startled, to look at her.

JEFF

Hey, Annie.

ANNIE

Oh, Jeff! What are you doing here? Did you... find your soulmate, too?

JEFF

(rolling down his sleeve)

Just trying to put a stop to this ridiculous invasion of our privacy.

ANNIE

(face falling)

Oh, sure.

JEFF

I heard you found yours.

ANNIE

(staring up at him, eyes wide)

Well, yeah.

(her hand goes to her right wrist)

JEFF

(sighing)

Well, I was just leaving.

Annie realizes she is in his way. She steps aside and gestures for him to proceed.

ANNIE

(sad smile)

Milord.

JEFF

(matching sad smile, nodding)

Milady.

Jeff heads towards the door.

DIANE

So, Miss Edison, you were looking for assistance in identifying your soulmate?

ANNIE

Yes, I didn’t really get a good look at their face. I was wondering if you could help me locate them.

DIANE

What do you know about them?

ANNIE

Well, I’m pretty sure it was a man. It sounded like a male voice. He was wearing a teddy bear costume to promote the dean’s Valentine’s Day dance.

Jeff pauses at the door as he hears this.

DIANE

Oh, excellent.

(typing on computer)

That should help narrow it down. We have a list from the dean of all the students who have helped promote the dance this week.

Jeff rolls his eyes and shakes his head at hearing this.

ANNIE

Whoever they were, their mark should say, “There you are! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

DIANE

Oh, _very_ nice words for a soulmark! May I ask what your mark says? They might have reported their mark, too.

ANNIE

Oh sure.

(holding out her arm)

It says, “Finally! I’ve been waiting forever!”

Jeff’s eyes go wide hearing this. Then he smiles and turns around, again ignoring Paul’s protests.

JEFF

What were you doing wearing a puppy costume?

ANNIE

(startled, eying him uncertainly)

I was covering for a friend. And I thought it might help me find my soulmate.

JEFF

(amused)

And how would dressing as a puppy help you find a soulmate?

ANNIE

(annoyed)

I know you haven’t been around all week and you don’t buy into any of this, but I do, I wanted to meet my soulmate and they just—weren’t showing up, okay?! And I’m... aware... of the reputation I have around here, so I thought it might help if I covered my face.

JEFF

(heart breaking a little)

Annie, what reputation?

ANNIE

Oh please, like you don’t know. Professors hate me for asking questions and students hate me when asking questions gets more homework assigned.

JEFF

That’s not true...

Annie gives him a look.

JEFF

...entirely.

ANNIE

The point is, what if my soulmate was avoiding me on purpose?

JEFF

Do you really _want_ to find a soulmate who’s intimidated by you?

ANNIE

(looking away, muttering)

Everyone keeps saying that.

(deep breath)

Even if that’s what’s happening, I’d still want to know. Want to meet them. Give them a chance to explain. Maybe they’d have a good reason.

JEFF

And if they did? You could forgive that?

ANNIE

(frustrated)

What are you doing here, Jeff?

DIANE

Classic case of unrequited love.

(sighs)

It’s tragic.

ANNIE

You do have a soulmate!

(face falling)

Oh no, it’s Britta, isn’t it?

JEFF

(perplexed)

Why would you think Britta is my soulmate?

ANNIE

Well, you two have a thing, right? You started the study group for her? You’ve hooked up a couple times? Abed said on Monday it’s most likely from a narrative—

JEFF

Our lives are not a story. Not a TV sitcom, not whatever a fic is...

DIANE

Yeah, if you were in a Soulmate AU right now, you’d probably be each other’s soulmate.

They both stare blankly at her.

DIANE

I mean, he shows up angry about unrequited love, you come in saying you don’t know who your soulmate is... and you could cut the tension in here with a scalpel.

Jeff glares at Diane.

But Annie looks thoughtful.

ANNIE

I never told Diane that _I_ was also wearing a costume.

Eyes wide, Jeff whips his head back to look at Annie.

DIANE

Oh my god, they were costume-mates!

JEFF

(scowling)

Whatever that was, isn’t working.

(to Annie)

Come on, let’s get out of here.

INT. HALLWAY - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

With a hand at the small of Annie's back, Jeff gently guides her down the hallway.

ANNIE

I don’t understand, we talked on Monday.

Jeff pulls Annie into an empty classroom.

JEFF

No, _you_ talked to _me._

Jeff rolls up his sleeve, revealing his soulmark. Annie’s eyes go wide.

JEFF

I purposefully didn’t say anything _to_ you. I spoke only to the group or Abed.

ANNIE

(brow furrowing)

But... why?

JEFF

Look, this whole situation is ridiculous. People don’t have soulmates! And even if they did, what are the odds that _Greendale’s_ chem department would manage to make a spray that would reveal them?

Annie tilts her head like “yeah, he has a point.” But then she frowns and looks back at him with wide, sad eyes.

ANNIE

So, you don’t believe that we... you and I ... are...

JEFF

(sighing)

I don’t believe in soulmates. But clearly...

(gesturing to his arm)

...when I hear your voice, I... feel... something.

ANNIE

Why didn’t you say anything?

JEFF

Because I don’t want you to think you're stuck with me just because the Greendale chem lab ran a stupid experiment.

ANNIE

(softly)

I wouldn’t think I’m stuck with you.

JEFF

Annie, I’m a man in his late thirties who conned his way into being a lawyer. And while I was good at doing that job, I wasn’t a good lawyer. But you? You have so much still ahead of you. So much _good_ you could do. I would only hold you back. I’m not a good person, you know that.

ANNIE

(slowly)

I know you’re selfish. You lie. You manipulate.

JEFF

Everyone’s so _honest_ today.

Annie stares at him.

JEFF

But yes, thank you for proving my point.

ANNIE

But I know deep down, you really do care. You’re a better person than you think you are. I wouldn’t love you if that weren’t true.

JEFF

You don’t love me, I just charmed—

ANNIE

Please, like I haven’t seen you at your worst.

JEFF

(opens and closes his mouth a couple times before landing on a counterpoint)

It’s not like my best is all that great.

ANNIE

I don’t know. You, narcissistic _Jeff Winger_ , dressed up as a giant teddy bear to try to protect me from the supposedly cruel fate of your company. That’s pretty gallant, if you ask me.

Jeff snorts, but his eyes soften towards affectionate amusement.

JEFF

You have a strange sense of gallantry, then.

ANNIE

(grins, then returns to seriousness)

Jeff, if you don’t love me, or like me, or want me, I—I won’t hold you to anything just because of some words on our arms.

JEFF

Annie, that’s not—

ANNIE

But if you won’t let _me_ make my own decision about you, I _will_ debate you because it’s not _your_ place to tell me how I feel or how I’m supposed to feel—

JEFF

_Annie_ —

ANNIE

And I won’t accept you putting yourself down just because you want to throw a pity party about how you’re not good enough! You are, for the record, but if you really thought that, why don’t you fight for what you want and try to be better? Because—

JEFF

Because I’m terrified!

She pauses.

JEFF

We could really screw each other up, you know.

ANNIE

Or we could really make each other happy.

Jeff and Annie stare at each other as this realization sinks in.

ANNIE

(clearing her throat)

And anyways, I’m not sure denying what’s between us has done either of us any favors.

Jeff concedes this with a tilt of his head. Annie takes a step forward, reaching out for his arm.

ANNIE

I know neither of us have had great role models in this department, but... maybe how careful we’ve already been with each other is half the battle. I know you’d never deliberately hurt me.

He watches her for a second, then remembers he had more to say.

JEFF

(remorseful)

But I have hurt you. Not just this week, but second year...

ANNIE

(looking away)

Yeah, okay. You have. I won’t pretend it hasn’t been hard at times.

(deep breath, turning back to Jeff)

But I think... I think I could understand why. And I think in the long run, you’ve helped me more than you've hurt me.

JEFF

For what it’s worth, I am sorry. For everything.

ANNIE

I know. I forgive you.

JEFF

(hesitant, but capitulating)

I’m not well practiced at the whole relationship thing.

ANNIE

(slow, hopeful grin)

We can take it as slow as you need. Every relationship is different, anyways. We can make up our own thing as we go, can’t we?

JEFF

I never had a chance, did I?

ANNIE

I am a member of Greendale’s winning debate team.

JEFF

(smirking)

Uh-huh. And how does Greendale’s winning debate team close an argument?

Beaming, Annie leans up and kisses him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! This is maybe more of an epilogue / denouement.
> 
> Thanks all for reading!

INT. CAFETERIA - FRIDAY EVENING

Valentine’s Day decorations and soulmate-themed banners cover almost every inch of the cafeteria. Music thuds over the excited din of conversation, enticing more and more students to a crowded dance floor. Guests congregate around buffet tables piled high with cakes, cookies, and candy. Lines snake around the room for the caricaturist, photobooth, and even a “Soulmarker” Booth sponsored by Hawthorne Wipes, where students can draw their own soulmarks in any color.

Looking gorgeous, Annie and Shirley wait near one of the buffet tables.

SHIRLEY

Oh, I can’t wait to meet your soulmate!

ANNIE

Just promise you’ll go easy on him, okay?

SHIRLEY

Of course! Why wouldn’t I? I’m not the overprotective one in our—oh. Oh I see.

ANNIE

What?

But Shirley is looking over Annie’s shoulder, towards Jeff, who approaches them.

SHIRLEY

I should have known you’d be the one leading Annie on a wild goose chase all week.

JEFF

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too.

(to Annie)

Hey you. Sorry I’m late. _Someone_ asked me out at the last minute.

SHIRLEY

Maybe if you’d said a word to her earlier in the week, she could have asked you earlier.

JEFF

(sighing)

Britta already read me the riot act for that one.

ANNIE

See, this is why I asked you to go easy on him. We had a long talk about everything. He apologized. It’s okay now. Come on... you know Jeff!

SHIRLEY

I do know Jeff. A long talk, huh?

(softening)

And you’re doing okay, too? Not about to run screaming down Panic Lane?

JEFF

Yeah, I’m fine.

(at Shirley’s skeptical look)

Annie promised to take things slow.

SHIRLEY

Before immediately asking you to this fancy soulmate dance you didn’t want to attend?

JEFF

Well, she made some interesting points.

ANNIE

(rolling her eyes)

All I did was remind him that dances are opportunities to show off how good he looks in a suit.

(gesturing)

I rest my case.

JEFF

See, how can I argue with that?

SHIRLEY

Ugh. This is worse than the googly eyes.

JEFF

So where’s your soulmate?

SHIRLEY

Andre and I arrived separately. He should be just behind you.

(awkward pause)

And he’s... not my soulmate.

JEFF

Wait, what?

SHIRLEY

It’s a long story involving a convoluted plot to lure him to the cafeteria with a forgotten history textbook...

(at Jeff’s look)

Don’t look at me like that! Judge not lest ye be judged!

JEFF

Uh, I’m pretty sure you already judged me.

SHIRLEY

You know that’s different!

ANNIE

I think we can all agree this experiment has driven Greendale to new levels of crazy.

They begrudgingly nod in agreement.

JEFF

Speaking of crazy, where’s the rest of the study group? I figured even Britta would be here, since the dean lifted the “soulmates only” rule.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Jeff. You see what happens when you disappear for five days? You miss all the best gossip.

JEFF

What’d they do? I saw the pamphlet airplanes—did Britta get suspended?

ANNIE

No—well, almost, actually, but that’s not what—

SHIRLEY

Britta has two soulmates.

Jeff’s face contorts from surprise to impish delight.

JEFF

She did say she didn’t want to be stuck with one person. Who are the poor suckers with her words on their arms?

ANNIE

It’s Troy and Abed.

JEFF

(vindicated)

I _knew_ Troy was upset about the mark she gave him. Please tell me you know what his mark says.

ANNIE

Jeff! It’s not appropriate to share other people’s marks. That’s their business. Would you want me telling everyone what _your_ mark says? Or what you said to me?

JEFF

Uh, you already showed off your mark to the study group, and I’m pretty sure we don’t have time for the monologue on my arm.

ABED

Jeff Winger thinks we don’t have time for a monologue?

Annie, Jeff, and Shirley all turn as Abed, Britta, Troy, and Andre join their circle.

ABED

Maybe you were right, Britta. These marks are changing us for the worst.

BRITTA

Please. Jeff declining an opportunity to hear himself speak would be character growth. Except in this case, he just doesn’t want to share his mark. And _that_ _’s_ typical Jeff, unwilling to open up even to his closest friends.

JEFF

Now that’s an interesting accusation, coming from the leader of the anti-soulmate coalition. Do your followers know you have two?

BRITTA

Jokes on you, ‘cause I don’t have any followers!

Jeff just looks at her.

TROY

You have at least two.

BRITTA

(to Jeff)

And you’re deflecting!

ANNIE

No one has to share any marks if they don’t want to!

JEFF

_Anyways_. Hello, hi, how are you, glad you all could join us this evening. You know the dance started an hour ago.

TROY

I’m surprised to see you here at all. Since you’ve been avoiding us all week.

ANNIE

Come on, guys! I told you we worked it out.

JEFF

No, it’s okay, Annie. I deserved that.

TROY

Some of us—and I won’t say who out of respect—were getting worried. And some of us—and again, I won’t say who—might have even been upset when you didn’t answer their call.

ANNIE

Troy, come on, he apologized—

TROY

(struggling to remain calm)

Not to some of us!

Jeff rubs his face.

JEFF

(to Troy)

I’m sorry, _everyone,_ for avoiding you and not returning your calls.

Troy visibly relaxes and nods.

BRITTA

Wow, a rare Jeff Winger apology. Too bad we didn't get it on film.

TROY

On behalf of the group as a whole, apology accepted.

ANNIE

Okay, great! Glad that’s settled! Now come on, we’re at a party! Let’s have fun. Didn’t you three have something planned?

ABED

Yes, actually. Jeff, if you’re not going to close this arc out with a monologue, we’d like to take point.

JEFF

Uh, okay.

ABED

You’re sure you don’t have some motivational speech at the ready? Something about what’s already lost if you don’t put yourself out there, and what can be gained by giving a part of yourself away?

JEFF

(squinting)

Is this your way of calling me out? Didn’t we just—? Is there a ticketing system I should be aware of? Andre? Do you have something to say to me, too?

ANDRE

Actually, I do. You want to tell me why Abed thinks you and Shirley are “drift compatible?”

Dismayed, Annie and Shirley look at Jeff.

JEFF

(baffled)

Gee, I really wish I could, but I have no idea what that means. Abed?

Annie and Shirley swivel in synchrony towards Abed.

ANNIE

Yeah, Abed, you want to explain what that means?

ABED

Sorry, Andre. I was just getting to this when we walked in. Drift compatible is the next big thing. The synthesis of the soulmate trope and the teamwork trope.

Jeff, Annie, Shirley, and Andre stare at him blankly.

ABED

(sighing)

It’s from the movie Pacific Rim.

JEFF

That Godzilla ripoff? That’s not even out yet.

Troy makes an offended sound.

ABED

(shrugging)

I have connections. And it’s an homage to Godzilla, sure, but it’s doing a lot more. You’ll see.

ANNIE

I still don’t understand what “drift compatible” means—and why you think _Shirley_ is drift compatible with Jeff...

SHIRLEY

Annie, there’s no reason to be jealous, he has your words on his arm.

ANNIE

I’m not jealous... I’m not! I’m just... intellectually curious.

ANDRE

(to Shirley)

I have to admit, you’re the one that sounded a little jealous.

SHIRLEY

(defensively)

You’re the one who brought this whole thing up. There’s nothing romantic between Jeff and me, I promise you that.

Sighing, Jeff removes his jacket, hands it to Annie, and starts rolling up his left sleeve.

JEFF

(to Andre and Annie)

Will this help?

ANNIE

Jeff! You’ll wrinkle your shirt!

SHIRLEY

You weren’t kidding about that monologue.

TROY

Whoa, your whole arm is purple. Like Annie used you as her notebook.

SHIRLEY

Well, if anyone doubted how you felt before...

JEFF

(turning to Annie)

This evidence ought to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.

Pleased, Annie smiles at Jeff. He smiles back.

SHIRLEY

(scoffing at the googly eyes)

I still want to know about this drift compatible thing.

TROY

It’s about working together as a team.

ABED

In the movie, they fight giant monsters with giant robots. 

TROY

But the robots are so big, they need two pilots to operate them. They have to connect with the robot _and_ each other.

BRITTA

It’s called a mindmeld. It’s all about letting down your guard and being vulnerable with each other and trusting each other...

ABED

...so you can stay in sync while controlling the robot.

Everyone stares at them, bewildered.

SHIRLEY

But what does all that have to do with Jeff and me? We’re not going to fight giant monsters with robots... right?

TROY

I wish!

ABED

We see it as an alternative to this soulmark craze. It’s Soulmates 2.0, if you will.

BRITTA

It’s focused more on the connection people forge together, in real time, rather than fate pushing you towards someone.

ANNIE

(skeptical)

Sorta seems like you’re splitting hairs there.

ABED

And you can be drift compatible with anyone—it’s not exclusively about romance. Family members, friends, lovers—they all could be compatible.

ANNIE

Okay, but the chem department never said soulmarks were exclus—

SHIRLEY

How do you know if you’re compatible?

TROY

_That’s_ the coolest part! In the movie, they spar. It's all about anticipation and knowing what someone else can do—

SHIRLEY

Oh! Like the foosball.

ABED

(pointing at Shirley)

Exactly.

ANNIE

What foosball?

ABED

Jeff and Shirley bonded last year when Jeff challenged the German students to foosball.

JEFF

We were actually pretty evenly matched.

ABED

It also helps to have some shared memories, as reference points.

Jeff and Shirley share a look. Shirley’s expression turns questioning. He responds with a slight nod.

SHIRLEY

Jeff and I actually found out—during the whole foosball thing—that we knew each other when we were kids.

ABED

Like I said. Drift compatible.

ANDRE

But it’s not romantic?

ABED

It doesn’t have to be.

ANDRE

So you’re not into Jeff?

Shirley just laughs.

ANDRE

Is there a way to find out if Shirley and I are drift compatible?

ANNIE & SHIRLEY

Aww!

BRITTA

There sure is!

TROY

All you have to do is prove how in sync you can be.

BRITTA

It could be with anything: martial arts, or foosball, or this questionnaire I’m working on—

JEFF

I wouldn’t trust that.

Abed frowns, but Britta puts her hand on his arm.

TROY

But given where we are, we were thinking the best test is—

BRITTA, ABED, & TROY

(striking a pose)

A dance-off!

Their presentation is a little too much for Jeff.

JEFF

I think that’s my cue. It’s been fun, guys.

ANNIE

Jeff! You promised you’d do the soulmark photo booth!

Jeff sighs in resignation.

ANDRE

Shirley, could I challenge you to dance?

SHIRLEY

(pleased, giggling)

I’d love to!

They disappear towards the dance floor. Annie watches them go, still a little put out. Jeff nudges her.

JEFF

You know we also make a good team, and we’re already soulmates. So we’re probably drift compatible, too.

ABED

Actually—

Troy clears his throat. Britta is also shaking her head.

ABED

(reluctant)

...yes.

Troy gives him a thumbs up and Britta nods.

But Annie isn’t really paying attention. She’s grinning at Jeff.

ANNIE

Aww. You said we were soulmates!

JEFF

Uh, yeah, I meant, we have the marks, you know I don’t...

(relenting)

Yes, I said we were soulmates.

Annie squeals and bounces.

JEFF

Yeah, okay, let’s go get that picture.

ANNIE

And then do the dance off?

JEFF

(sighing)

Yes, and then we can dance.

(holding out his soulmarked arm)

Milady?

ANNIE

(somehow exuding even more happiness, practically glowing)

Milord!

Annie tucks her right wrist over his arm, their marks overlapping.

Abed turns to Britta and Troy.

ABED

I believe we have a dance to commandeer.

TROY

Today, we’re cancelling the soulmate trope!

Britta and Abed frown.

TROY

Yeah, that sounded better in my head.

EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - NIGHT - SEVERAL MONTHS LATER - END TAG

Lights gleam off a huge, three-armed battle mech as it marches through choppy waves. Three pilots control it from the cockpit.

TROY

Anyone got eyes on this thing yet?

ABED

Command tracked its signature towards the Statue of Liberty.

BRITTA

This way then. I used to live here you know.

TROY & ABED

We know! We’re in your brain!

BRITTA

Then you know there’s movement ahead.

A shadow eclipses the Statue of Liberty for just a second.

ABED

Eyes peeled. This thing is category five.

The kaiju emerges from the water just behind them, tackling them forward and sending them crashing into the Statue of Liberty.

INT. DREAMATORIUM

Dressed for a nice evening out, Jeff backs up from the tangled mess of Britta, Troy, and Abed, as a figure in the puppy costume pounces on them. The room is full of stacked empty boxes meant to simulate the NYC skyline.

JEFF

Hey! Watch the suit!

BRITTA

Aww come on Jeff! We were just getting to the good part!

Jeff looks at Britta like he doesn’t recognize her.

JEFF

You have _definitely_ been spending too much time with these two playing in this thing.

ABED

(to Britta)

I did warn you that installing the dreamatorium in your place would result in this.

BRITTA

(shrugging)

No regrets.

(looks at Jeff)

Well, one regret.

Jeff turns to the person in the puppy costume, who takes off the headpiece to reveal Annie.

JEFF

When you said double date, I imagined a dinner, Annie. I imagined expensive steak and scotch.

ABED

Don’t blame Annie. She’s doing us a favor.

TROY

Yeah, it’s impossible to simulate Pacific Rim 2: The Actual Sequel: Atlantic Ridge with only three people. I mean, we don’t have enough for a kaiju!

JEFF

You do realize in the movie that most of the jaegers are piloted by two people?

ABED

Sorry Jeff, but this team is comprised of three. I don’t make the rules.

Jeff does not believe this.

ANNIE

Please, Jeff? It means so much to our friends...

(at Jeff's hesitation)

I'll make it up to you later...

Jeff heaves a very put-upon sigh.

JEFF

Fine. But I have two conditions. One: the three of you are paying for a _very expensive_ dinner next time.

Britta, Abed, and Troy look at each other and nod.

ABED

The second?

JEFF

I'm going to go change, because there's no way the three of you are teaming up on Annie.

Annie beams at Jeff. Britta, Abed, and Troy look at each other in awe.

BRITTA, ABED, & TROY

A double event!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I watched _Pacific Rim_ for the first time while writing this?  
> LOL I couldn't shake the idea of Troy and Abed being drift compatible. 
> 
> There was a deleted scene where Dean Spreck shows up and challenges Dean Pelton to a dance, but I had to rearrange the scenes in this and it didn't fit anymore.
> 
> For the record, I'm totally here for platonic soulmates! The opinions and interpretations of what soulmates mean and how they work is entirely representative of how the characters think and respond to them! But still drift compatible is too awesome of a trope so I had to do it in here. 
> 
> Also, Abed doesn't think Jeff & Annie are drift compatible because he thinks Jeff would have too many hang ups about Annie being in his head/knowing all his memories. This is less of a problem for Jeff & Shirley because of their shared history and Jeff being less concerned with what she thinks of him (since he knows about her past, too). If I were to write a PacRim AU, I'd probably say Jeff and Annie *could* be drift compatible, but it would take some work on Jeff's part allowing Annie into the parts of himself he'd be afraid of her seeing. 
> 
> ANYWAYS!!! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this. :)


End file.
